trapped...

Another start to a new week. I am probably one of the few people that like Mondays, because I always look at this day as a new beginning and I need one now more than ever. I can't believe it but a week from yesterday (January 31st) I will turn 25!!!! AHHHHH that just seems so very strange to me. Part of me is of course excited to begin the celebration and then another part of me wants to take three years back from my life. I am not at all where I thought I would be in life at 25. I will give me credit that I am on my way to doing my ambition in life (teaching youngsters), but I feel very trapped right now. I feel almost like I am suffocating in my own body!

There are so many things I want to do right now and places I want to see, but too many things are obstacles in my way. My biggest goal for the future is to be able to live by myself in my own spic-n-span apartment/small house. Don't get me wrong, my Mom and Dad are my best friends, but our house is getting smaller and smaller with each day. We are finding it very difficult to live together and I desperately want my own space and privacy. WHY you ask I HAVE NONE!

Now before my Mother reads this and goes wack-o, I will be happy to admit that it is completely my fault that I have no privacy because I am not the most trustworthy person when it comes to my illness. What I hate most is that I am starting to get really angry inside almost to the point that I want to throw one of my temper tantrums like I used to when I was 5 or maybe 15 (remember I have redhair)! I want all of this negativity to vanish and me to be free. I want to be free of the burdens of having an eating disorder. I want to be able to leave the house without telling anyone where I am going. I want to be able to keep a bowl of Dove Dark chocolate on the coffee table. I want my mother to be able to get a full nights sleep and know that I will wake up the next morning. Most of all I want to enjoy life and unlock the cage that I have been living in for two years...
"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:5-6.

XOXO,
JM